SALT (2013)

Have you ever wanted to watch Angelina Jolie hold a terrible Russian accent? Or wear unnerving face prosthetics to pose as a man?

You’re in luck! 2010’s “Salt” covers both of those niche interests!

As “Evelyn Salt” (a ham-fisted reference to the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty, because if Hollywood doesn’t shove something down the audience’s throat, they might not get it), Jolie is an undercover CIA agent with the deep-cover story of being the Vice President of a petroleum company, presumably so she can travel around the world DLA-Energy style and look at “oil.”

And who has a lot of oil?

If you said “North Korea,” I’d be surprised, because the movie surprised me with that one too. Roughly the first 40 minutes of the film revolve around Jolie doing stuff or talking about involving the DPRK under her guise of being an oil contractor.

But then it turns out that Russians are the bad guys, because of course they are, and they’re the only enemy besides “aliens” that Hollywood is willing to use.

Per every God-fearing-American’s greatest concern, the FSB strikes again, with a ridiculous, convoluted child-soldier/Manchurian-candidate style “super duper forever sleeper people” agents embedded throughout America, with the long-term goal of starting a nuclear war because... reasons. And it turns out that Jolie is one of those agents.

I brought this movie with me to watch on a plane, and it turned out to be about the same quality as any movie you’d find from in-flight entertainment.

If you want to watch something about Russians posing as Americans, I recommend you watch FX’s “The Americans” instead.