America: The Motion Picture (2021)
Imagine if a stereotypical frat dude was telling you a story: every guy would be ripped and every woman would have an impossibly disproportionate body. The narrator would make himself sound as awesome as possible, with details that were far too grandiose to be anything close to real.
Now imagine if you asked a kid with a vivid imagination to tell you about the revolutionary war, but fun: they’d get some of the initial details right. George Washington, dumping tea in the harbor, fighting the redcoats, etc. But then they’d veer into shenanigans involving a T-Rex or explosions or some-such.
And remember how I’ve complained about movies “based on a true story”? How they often take liberties that just don’t seem right?
Well.
Cram those three concepts together and you’ve got a perfect vision of “America: The Motion Picture.”
It even included the tagline “based on actual history,” which gave it just as much ‘totes real’ wiggle room as the self-fellating “Lawless” (2012)
The movie opened with a group of British redcoats smashing through the windows of an unspecified manor, murdering all of the signatories of the Declaration of Independence as they were in the process of playing beer pong to celebrate the occasion.
Meanwhile, George Washington (Channing Tatum) and his best friend Abe Lincoln (Will Forte) were at the Ford Theater, watching the ‘Red, White and Blue Man Group’ perform, only for the traitorous Benedict Arnold (Andy Samberg) to show up and transform into a werewolf, killing Abe with a single bite.
Abe’s final words to George were to name the young nation “America,” and that George needed to start a revolution to save the colonies from “taxation… or something about representation?”
George, immediately and carnally consoled by Martha Washington (Judy Greer), took to the streets to find allies for the revolution, starting with the founder of fraternities: Sam Adams (Jason Mantzoukas).
From there they found Chinese immigrant woman Thomas Edison (Olivia Munn) who was convinced she could solve any problem with SCIENCE! and her IronMan-esque gauntlets.
They also recruited the help of famed Native American chief Geronimo (Raoul Max Trujillo) who was immediately suspicious of their motives and kept asking if his people would get their land back (hint: they don’t), and Paul Revere (Bobby Moynihan), a giant of a man who had apparently been raised by horses.
The entirety of the movie was a pastiche of references that were technically tied to American history, but none of which had any bearing on the Revolutionary War: the team attacked a British a pub called “Vietnam” even though they ‘had no exit strategy’ and at one point George commanded “Mr. Revere, tear down this wall!”
And George had chainsaw hands, like Wolverine’s blades, except these actually required gas to function.
Somewhere in there we met King James (Simon Pegg) – a Jabba-the-Hutt-type lard-creature who required a hover-throne to move, and his sentient soccer ball who he’d sic on anyone who disobeyed him.
Normally this is where I would say “this is an American movie, so you know how it ends,” but as this was a movie about America so… you still know how it ends: one fantastical, single battle full of explosions that freed the colonies from the tyrannical rule of the British Empire in one fell swoop, mere days after George decided to start rebelling.
Phil Lord and Chris Miller were producers on this, and like everything they touch, it was pure gold; the animation was done by the studio that created “Archer” (2009+).
While this movie wasn’t “Team America: World Police” (2004), and thus there wasn’t a place where they could play ‘America: Fuck Yeah!’, I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a certain amount of “America: Fuck Yeah!” baked into the soul of this glorious fever-dream.
The soundtrack – including George’s rendition of ‘Free Bird’ – was fitting. Nothing magnificent that I’d listen to on my own time, but outstanding and just right nonetheless.
The visuals were good: the whole thing was animated and the animation was well done, so I am content with it.
As a buddy identified it: this movie was “complete satire” – there was no intent to send a message, no goal to share any political commentary. Just weird riffs on things you know in a melting pot that just barely works.
As another friend described it: “that was incredibly stupid.”
If you liked “Kung Pow” (2002) or “The Interview” (2014) or anything else in that vein of “100% ridiculous” movies, you’ll love this.
It was just a bunch of folks at a studio making the most bonkers story they could with the budget that Netflix gave them, and they did it well.
This movie would not be worth it for you to watch in theaters (not that it released there), but I would highly recommend it as a must-watch on the couch.
