Robin Hood (2018)
Think about the legend of Robin Hood.
Remind yourself of the key points of that story:
Robin Hood, Maid Marian, Friar Tuck, the Catholic church, the Spanish Inquisition, 21st century consumer grade clothing and footwear, police brutality, riot control gear, guerrilla urban warfare tactics, blue-dyed fabrics for poor people, red-dyed leather, steel-plated carriages, and strike matches.
Wait, sorry, did some of those seem out of place?
Taron Egerton (who you probably recognize as Egsy from the “Kingsman” movies) plays Lord Robin of Loxley, who was drafted away to fight in the Crusades by the Sheriff of Nottingham, at behest of a particularly over-zealous Cardinal.
According to this version of “Robin Hood,” only the city of Nottingham is participating in the Crusades. The rest of England and the rest of the Catholic church seem to be oblivious that it’s happening.
Through an entirely not-explained conspiracy, there’s an “Arabian General” in somewhere in the Middle East, on the side of the Muslims, who is expecting the war to be bankrolled, by Nottingham. It’s not clarified in any way if the war was the unknown general’s idea or if the Cardinal just thought it would be fun.
And King Richard straight-up doesn’t exist.
Also of note: the entirety of Jerusalem (not that it was ever actually called that) was inhabited by black people, so the white and brown Crusaders could conveniently tell who they were against while they wore leather armor that looked weirdly similar to modern day kevlar vests, then returned to their “camp” that bore unreasonable similarity to modern OCONUS military bases.
Reminder: Robin Hood is a legend from the 13th/14th century, and the real-life Crusades were a critical failure.
As far as I can tell from reading the Wikipedia page, Little John was just another Englishman (read: “white” and “Christian”) who joined Robin’s band of merry men. I can’t figure out how Hollywood keeps regurgitating the idea that Little John is a black Muslim man who returned from the Crusades with Robin.
According to this movie, the bow and arrow were the ultimate weapon for both long and short range combat. Two, maybe three, scenes showed axes, knives, and swords, but they were never actually used for anything of significance.
Ben Mendelsohn, the actor who played the Sheriff of Nottingham, continued his unfortunate trend of playing undeveloped, 2D villains with nothing more to their character arc than “do bad things to good people.”
At this point, I have to assume two things: First, that he has a terrible casting agent; and second, that he is a terrible actor.
Spoilers: they end the movie with a painfully obvious indicator that production studio Lionsgate wants to make a sequel (probably in yet another foolish attempt at creating their own ‘cinematic universe’ to compete with Disney). Hopefully this tanked so thoroughly at the box office that we never have to see such a monstrosity.
And my final point of contention: Friar Tuck (played by real-life comedian Tim Minchin) was clearly supposed to be the comedic relief. He wasn’t. For a comedian, he failed miserably. His “jokes” weren’t funny, his timing was terrible, and his overall behavior as a character was nothing short of grating.
Do not waste your money or time on this.
Just watch the 1973 animated Disney version with animals. It’s both kid-friendly, true to the lore, and more historically accurate.
