Shoot Em Up (2007)

This movie was one hard-core sex scene away from being a BRAZZERs porn parody of John Wick. It was campy, the special effects were mediocre, and Monica Bellucci’s cleavage was as important to the plot as she was.
To my knowledge, no one has made such a parody yet. But if they do, they need to call it “John WiXXX,” and I’d like a creative credit for coming up with that.

Anyway: Clive Owens played a gun ninja with a mysterious past, Paul Giamatti was a generic badguy, and Monica Bellucci was a prostitute with a heart of gold.

Mr. Smith has come into possession of a baby, straight from the mother’s womb - not that she minds, as she dies almost immediately from the bullet-hell that is this movie - and he decides to do everything in his power to keep the baby safe from Hertz’s (Giamatti) goons.

In one sentence, here’s the plot line: something something conspiracy theory, baby farm, shady coverup, corrupt government official. 
In more than one sentence: The anti-gun senator needs bone marrow and can only get it by purpose-bred babies, for some reason, but the gun lobby doesn’t like it, so the stand-in for Sig Sauer kills the babies. Why they don’t just go after the senator isn’t clear. How the senator decided that “custom made baby breeding center” was more efficient than just bribing his way to the top of the donor list wasn’t made clear either. 
None of that is particularly important, I guess, when there are goons to shoot in exciting and creative new ways.

Like John Wick, Mr. Smith killed many, many people with things that weren’t guns; carrots being the main thing. Despite the fact that  they’re easily chewed on by normal human teeth, they can apparently also be used to impale human skulls: not a fact you’ll ever read about on Wikipedia.

The soundtrack was terrible: it was some weird ‘rock’ music playlist, all stuff you’ve never heard before and hopefully won’t have to hear again. 

As mentioned above, the special effects were very cheesy. Though, considering the nature of the rest of the movie, this was probably done on purpose.

There was no quipping anywhere, which is a blessing, though the script was full of puns or timing-based jokes. 
At one point, Mr. Smith and Hertz had a shootout next to a giant neon with the words “FAULK TRUCK & TOOLS” - when the shootout was done, the lettering had been cut down to “FUK U TOO” (apologies to my readers with sensitive constitutions).
In another scene, Mr. Smith and Donna (Bellucci) were in the middle of having sex when their room was invaded with Hertz’s goons. Smith simply shot the goons as he and Donna rolled around, still mid-coitus, until the goons were all dead, and Smith capped it off by stating “talk about blowing your load.”
Donna finished, in case you were concerned.

It’s an incredibly cheesy movie. They never broke the 4th wall, but the script was pleasantly self-aware.
As a parody of the genre, this was quite enjoyable. 
You could almost watch it as a parody specifically of the “John Wick” (2014) franchise too, despite being seven years older.